“I’m done” is a short little sentence. People say it all the time. They say it for many reasons like, I’m done with dinner, I’m done with homework, I’m done with my drink, I’m done with this friendship. The statement can range from very simple to super complex. “I’m done” can be matter of fact or completely intertwined with emotion. This is a sentence that when I hear my husband say it, I get tied up in knots!
When he is in severe pain and nothing is helping him, that’s when it will come. That dreaded two word sentence, “I’M DONE”! I have come to loathe those words. He says them and my mind races. Done with what??? Medicine? Doctors? Tests? Life? How do I take that? What do I do with those words? At first I’m dumbfounded, every time he says it, working it over in my head. Eventually I ask “what do you mean, done with what?” Most of the time he says, doctors, medicines, tests. I’m always in fear that he means more than he says. I ask why and he typically says that we are wasting our time and money for him; that nothing has worked, is working or ever will work to stop the pain.
He is done with…… doctors making it difficult to get the one medication that takes the edge off the pain…… the pharmacy never having the medication in stock; therefore, he must wait longer to get it once the doctor finally does give him the needed medication….. done trying a new medication every other week that either does nothing or makes him feel so horrible it’s better just to suffer the pain.
Now faith is confidence in what we hope for and
assurance about what we do not see.
Mark 11:24 (NIV)
He’s tired of being embarrassed at how the pain makes him act physically. He doesn’t want people to feel sorry for him. He doesn’t want them to see the pain he is in; see him rubbing his head from the pain until he has a raw spot on his skin. He hates it.
I understand, but I don’t; I don’t know his pain but I can see the effects. His frustration of nothing working is easy to see and understand. We both fear that there may come a point there is nothing left to test, no medication left he hasn’t tried and no ideas on what to do next.
I stress to him that he can’t be done! He has me and the kids that need and want him to keep trying. I keep telling him that you never know if the next thing we test finds us an answer or the next medication he tries actually works. It’s hard to have faith, but I do. It’s hard to have hope, but I do. Each day I pray that he will share my faith and hope for a pain free future. I love him with all my heart and have for more than 20 years now! “I’m done”, let’s just not go there!